Esok kerja pagi. Masa untuk lelapkan mata dah tiba. Sebelum tu, terimalah... Eceh.
The Day I Died.
I’m tired. I wish I could just sleep all day long or forever? I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m sick. I don’t know what I’m sick of. Maybe, maybe I’m actually sick of everything. I’m sick of me.
What should I do make to make it stop? I want to sleep. I just want to sleep.
* * *
The phone rang a few times. It took all my strength to open my eyes. My head was spinning. I never knew when I fell asleep last night. The last time I remembered, it was 2 o’clock in the morning. I ignored the phone. I was not in the mood of answering a phone call at that moment.
“Who the hell is to call me this late at night?” I thought.
Someone knocked the door.
“Are you awake? We are going for lunch. Are you coming?” said the voice. Lunch?
As soon as I realized, it was already 1o’clock. I quickly woke up and I could felt the thumping in my head. My heart beat faster than ever. I couldn’t even breathe properly. I was too tired.
* * *
Time goes by. It was only a week before the big day. This is the final of the battle I worked so hard for. The next one week, is the time for me to expel all the junk I’ve been absorbing. Junk? Yes, I call all those junk because I’m sick of them. Studying is one thing. Remembering all those you read is a nuisance.
Did I study enough? I didn’t. I didn’t even study. I was playing around, running away from reality. I was so into the internet and chatting. I found new friends all over the world. I laughed alone in my room in front of the screen. It was a happy moment. I would love to stay like that forever, a life where I had nothing to worry about.
It was late that night. I had a big fight with one of my cyber world friend. I hated it that it drives me into despair. All the sorrow and darkness occurred in my life started to haunt me. It was a never ending story. Tears and cries.
I couldn’t get my eyes to close. I kept rewinding all those dark past I had been through. And late that night, I’ve made my mine. I don’t want to go the nuisance of sitting in an exam hall that might contribute to all the headaches. I want to stay in this room and sleep till the exam ends.
Those pills I’ve been taking were calling my names. I never knew of all the side effects. But I knew, it would greatly influence my awareness. It gave me a calming effect for all those months. What’s wrong of taking extras?
“One, two, three,” I started to count. I took the pills one by one. I was so scared but my mind was telling me to continue. It was like a battle in my head. One was asking me to stop, while one said, this is the only way.
I was about to throw up. I stop. My hand was shaking. My tears were overflowing. My heart was thumping.
“Somebody, help me” I was crying alone. I took my phone and messaged my best friend. I told her that I took the pills. First, it was only four. Then, I took another four. I told her that I want to stop, but I couldn’t. I continued. It was all 24 of them. While there was only two more to go, I threw up.
I called another friend. I knew he would be awake. I cried. I told him that I message the other friend, but she never replied. I need him to wake her up to save me. I cried so hard. Later, a message came. It was her! She was awake and asking me, what have you done?
I told her everything. I was shivering and sweating a lot. All I know that, she stood there in front of my room. I had no idea how she entered. She was so worried. She helped me when I was about to throw up, that everything ruined her clothes.
* * *
The heart monitor scared me. My own breathe scared me. What if I die? What if my heart suddenly beat faster and stops? She was there, holding my hand. My eyes were so heavy but I was so scared to let them closed. I was scared that they will close forever.
I recovered soon enough. I was regaining a new life. I died, and I was given a second chance to live. It is a gift from God that no one will understand.
I will take my steps slowly. I will learn patiently. I will pull myself together when life is going against me. I will stand up again if I fall. Because I died once, and if I die forever, I want to die in dignity.
p/s: Inspired after watching a reality show where a Korean male artist was confessing his years of depression. Now, he regains his life back and trying his best to come back to reality.
“I’m sorry for all the grammar and silly English. It’s just that all the emotion came out in English in my head. My head speaks English? Hahaha”